PgAL anxiety is different than normal worrying

Warning: parts of this blog post are graphic. You might want to skip the paragraph that begins, "while I am absolutely sure..."
 
I have to write about PgAL anxiety. Because I have been feeling it very strongly over the past 4 to 5 days, and I know it's only going to get worse leading up to the moment when we (hopefully) hear/see the heartbeat on Friday.

There have been three people over the past 10 days who I have found to be very condescending about what it feels like to be pregnant after a loss. (My mother, a friend of nearly 30 years, and my primary care doctor.) All three of them have at least one child, but have never suffered a loss. When I have tried to talk to them about how anxious I am right now, they have said something similar to "wait until you have the baby, you never stop worrying."

While I am absolutely sure that is true, it is such a patronizing comment. Especially coming from people who have never experienced a loss. Never been sitting in doctor's offices while nurses and techs search and search for a heartbeat, and then tell you that your dates might be off, you might not be far along as you think you are -- which by the way, is physically impossible unless you can get a positive pregnancy test a week BEFORE you are pregnant. Never had to argue with them and pull out your ovulation calendar and point out when you went into their office to have the pregnancy confirmed. Never had a doctor give your husband false hope that it might turn out ok, when you absolutely know for certain that it's not ok. And then wait two agonizing days, knowing that your baby is no longer alive inside of you, just to prove to him and to the doctors that you are not wrong about your dates. They have never had to shove pills up their vaginas to cause the physical part of the miscarriage. They have never caught a gestational sac and tiny baby in their hands as they miscarry. And then have to go through the agonizing decision of what to do with what you've just caught. How can you possibly flush it down the toilet?

They might have had normal worries related to pregnancy, childbirth, parenting, ones that I am sure I will have. Will my baby be healthy? Happy? Etc. But they were never stripped of the joy of the first weeks of pregnancy, unable to be happy or celebrate until they hear that heartbeat. Feeling emotionally detached for 3.5 weeks after finding out that they were pregnant.

Normal feelings of worry are not the same as PgAL anxiety.  

I know that I do not know yet what it feels like to actually have a child. But to say that to me, knowing that my first child was supposed to be born in August, does not make me feel better. Do I really have to tell you how insensitive it is to say that? And I am certain that I will find a whole new set of things to worry about later on. But for now, I am living in this place of intense anxiety, every single minute of every single day. Sometimes I think I am literally going to go crazy.

If you haven't been here, please don't patronize people who have been. 

Here is my story, thus far.

I got married to my wonderful husband, C, in October 2011. We had been together for over 5 years when we got married, and we were a bit older. We started trying to get pregnant a few months later. I was 34. We were unsuccessful until December 2012. We actually found out that I was pregnant on my 35th birthday, December 13th. 

Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage discovered at 9.5 weeks (the loss occurred at approximately 6 weeks). I decided to take Cytotec to induce the physical miscarriage. That was probably one of the most traumatic times of my life, both physically and emotionally.

Two complete cycles after the loss, we had an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. The RE suspects that my husband has some MFI issues. His count is fine (more than fine), but he has had some high white blood cell counts when he has had semen analyses. 

It happened to be CD4 when we saw the RE, so we made a plan and put it immediately into action. 50mg of Clomid, Ovidrel trigger shot, and IUI.  I had my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork immediately and started Clomid the next day. My HSG was two days later. Unlike a lot of people, my HSG was virtually painless and extremely quick. My tubes were clear and my uterus is perfectly sized and shaped. Woo hoo!

 My mid-cycle ultrasound on CD 12 showed 3 decent follicles on my left ovary (17mm, 16mm, 15mm). I triggered the following day and did the IUI on CD15. My husband's count was 116.5 million post-wash with 81% motility. (His numbers are clearly still not an issue!)

The day of the IUI, I had what I have come to suspect were ovulation cramps. Holy cow, they were AWFUL! But I just rested for a few hours and then was fine.

Because I am anal retentive and obsessive, I decided to test out my trigger. I planned to test it out until 10dpIUI/12dpt, and then test again on 13dpIUI. The trigger was gone by 9dpt. The lines on 10dpt and 11dpt are evap lines, no color. I assumed 12dpt would be stark white. But I got a little bit of a surprise:

The line was darker and definitely pink. Whoa! I flipped out a bit and thought I could be making it up in my head. But after some rational thinking, I realized that I was in fact pregnant. Again.

So I planned on testing the following day with a digi and FRER, but then of course decided that I couldn't wait. So here's my digi with 2MU and FRER with 3MU:

 

Here's another thing that I should say. The last time that I was pregnant, this is what my FRER looked like on 12dpo (two days later than this time around, and with FMU instead of 3MU):

So, needless to say, I am super happy about how dark and clear my line was yesterday. I have also noticed that the cramping and pressure is much more significant this time. I noticed it last time because it was different than my normal PMS cramping. This time, it's definitely stronger. Which brings me to my final two points...

First, we are wondering if this might end up being a multiple pregnancy. My age, follies, and his good sperm count have us wondering. We have mixed feelings about this. If we had twins, that would be perfect because it would mean that we would never have to go through this again. We would be happy with two. But if it's more, obviously that's going to be a tough road ahead. But that's putting the cart before the horse, clearly.

Second, we find ourselves in this place of emotional detachment, because of our recent loss. I am praying that this is it for us, for real this time.

Betas are on Monday, May 20th. Fingers crossed that our numbers are good!