Seventeen days until the day that we found out about the missed miscarriage. I'm wondering if that's the day when I am finally going to feel better.
Or if it's ever going to happen.
Don't get me wrong, after seeing the one heartbeat on Friday, a huge weight was lifted. But the realization that the baby might be measuring small, and that there was a a twin with an uncertain future -- well, it all has me reeling again. After doing a bunch of research this weekend, I have come to the conclusion that I am going to be hopeful and positive about Baby B, but I also need to be realistic. The babies look different. One has that long, curved look. And that's the one with the beating heart. The other one looks similar to ultrasound pictures of yolk sacs. And it's likely too late for it to just be a yolk sac and have a chance of surviving.
But I'm not an expert, and I have no confidence in the abilities of the doctor who did the ultrasound. And miracles could happen, right?
Showing posts with label PgAL brain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PgAL brain. Show all posts
Monday, June 10, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
25 hours to go...
We're getting so close to tomorrow's ultrasound. Thank goodness, because I don't know how much more of this my heart can take!
Fortunately, today is a really busy day with recital preparation. I have to do some choreographing for our opening number -- we have rehearsal tonight. I'm also working on some last minute costuming and accessorizing. Here's hoping today flies by!
I had a dream last night that I was bleeding. Scary stuff that doesn't help my PgAL brain. Ugh.
Song of the day. Mostly. :)
Fortunately, today is a really busy day with recital preparation. I have to do some choreographing for our opening number -- we have rehearsal tonight. I'm also working on some last minute costuming and accessorizing. Here's hoping today flies by!
I had a dream last night that I was bleeding. Scary stuff that doesn't help my PgAL brain. Ugh.
Song of the day. Mostly. :)
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
The countdown continues
...the countdown to our viability ultrasound, that is. 2 days, 22 hours, 6 minutes, 54 seconds, 53, 52, 51...
And yes, I still feel like I am going to lose my mind. I thought I was anxious the first time around, before I found out about my loss. Ha! I had no idea what true anxiety was.
I told my husband last night that I have no idea, absolutely no idea, what I am going to do if this pregnancy is not viable. If we lose another baby. I feel like my heart can't handle that again. He tries to be so practical, and basically told me that I don't have a choice. I know he's coming from a different place. His father was killed in a car accident 4 years ago. He knows better than most how unfair life is. But that outlook is obviously not helping my anxiety.
I am especially worried about the physical and emotional toll of a miscarriage. The dance recital is next weekend, June 14 and 15. I can't take a week off to recover physically and emotionally like I did during my last loss. It is just not possible right now, short of being in the hospital. I just hope I don't have to deal with a loss during what should be the most exciting and happy time of year at the studio. It will absolutely kill me.
And yes, I still feel like I am going to lose my mind. I thought I was anxious the first time around, before I found out about my loss. Ha! I had no idea what true anxiety was.
I told my husband last night that I have no idea, absolutely no idea, what I am going to do if this pregnancy is not viable. If we lose another baby. I feel like my heart can't handle that again. He tries to be so practical, and basically told me that I don't have a choice. I know he's coming from a different place. His father was killed in a car accident 4 years ago. He knows better than most how unfair life is. But that outlook is obviously not helping my anxiety.
I am especially worried about the physical and emotional toll of a miscarriage. The dance recital is next weekend, June 14 and 15. I can't take a week off to recover physically and emotionally like I did during my last loss. It is just not possible right now, short of being in the hospital. I just hope I don't have to deal with a loss during what should be the most exciting and happy time of year at the studio. It will absolutely kill me.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
PgAL anxiety is different than normal worrying
Warning: parts of this blog post are graphic. You might want to skip the paragraph that begins, "while I am absolutely sure..."
I have to write about PgAL anxiety. Because I have been feeling it very strongly over the past 4 to 5 days, and I know it's only going to get worse leading up to the moment when we (hopefully) hear/see the heartbeat on Friday.
There have been three people over the past 10 days who I have found to be very condescending about what it feels like to be pregnant after a loss. (My mother, a friend of nearly 30 years, and my primary care doctor.) All three of them have at least one child, but have never suffered a loss. When I have tried to talk to them about how anxious I am right now, they have said something similar to "wait until you have the baby, you never stop worrying."
While I am absolutely sure that is true, it is such a patronizing comment. Especially coming from people who have never experienced a loss. Never been sitting in doctor's offices while nurses and techs search and search for a heartbeat, and then tell you that your dates might be off, you might not be far along as you think you are -- which by the way, is physically impossible unless you can get a positive pregnancy test a week BEFORE you are pregnant. Never had to argue with them and pull out your ovulation calendar and point out when you went into their office to have the pregnancy confirmed. Never had a doctor give your husband false hope that it might turn out ok, when you absolutely know for certain that it's not ok. And then wait two agonizing days, knowing that your baby is no longer alive inside of you, just to prove to him and to the doctors that you are not wrong about your dates. They have never had to shove pills up their vaginas to cause the physical part of the miscarriage. They have never caught a gestational sac and tiny baby in their hands as they miscarry. And then have to go through the agonizing decision of what to do with what you've just caught. How can you possibly flush it down the toilet?
They might have had normal worries related to pregnancy, childbirth, parenting, ones that I am sure I will have. Will my baby be healthy? Happy? Etc. But they were never stripped of the joy of the first weeks of pregnancy, unable to be happy or celebrate until they hear that heartbeat. Feeling emotionally detached for 3.5 weeks after finding out that they were pregnant.
Normal feelings of worry are not the same as PgAL anxiety.
I know that I do not know yet what it feels like to actually have a child. But to say that to me, knowing that my first child was supposed to be born in August, does not make me feel better. Do I really have to tell you how insensitive it is to say that? And I am certain that I will find a whole new set of things to worry about later on. But for now, I am living in this place of intense anxiety, every single minute of every single day. Sometimes I think I am literally going to go crazy.
If you haven't been here, please don't patronize people who have been.
I have to write about PgAL anxiety. Because I have been feeling it very strongly over the past 4 to 5 days, and I know it's only going to get worse leading up to the moment when we (hopefully) hear/see the heartbeat on Friday.
There have been three people over the past 10 days who I have found to be very condescending about what it feels like to be pregnant after a loss. (My mother, a friend of nearly 30 years, and my primary care doctor.) All three of them have at least one child, but have never suffered a loss. When I have tried to talk to them about how anxious I am right now, they have said something similar to "wait until you have the baby, you never stop worrying."
While I am absolutely sure that is true, it is such a patronizing comment. Especially coming from people who have never experienced a loss. Never been sitting in doctor's offices while nurses and techs search and search for a heartbeat, and then tell you that your dates might be off, you might not be far along as you think you are -- which by the way, is physically impossible unless you can get a positive pregnancy test a week BEFORE you are pregnant. Never had to argue with them and pull out your ovulation calendar and point out when you went into their office to have the pregnancy confirmed. Never had a doctor give your husband false hope that it might turn out ok, when you absolutely know for certain that it's not ok. And then wait two agonizing days, knowing that your baby is no longer alive inside of you, just to prove to him and to the doctors that you are not wrong about your dates. They have never had to shove pills up their vaginas to cause the physical part of the miscarriage. They have never caught a gestational sac and tiny baby in their hands as they miscarry. And then have to go through the agonizing decision of what to do with what you've just caught. How can you possibly flush it down the toilet?
They might have had normal worries related to pregnancy, childbirth, parenting, ones that I am sure I will have. Will my baby be healthy? Happy? Etc. But they were never stripped of the joy of the first weeks of pregnancy, unable to be happy or celebrate until they hear that heartbeat. Feeling emotionally detached for 3.5 weeks after finding out that they were pregnant.
Normal feelings of worry are not the same as PgAL anxiety.
I know that I do not know yet what it feels like to actually have a child. But to say that to me, knowing that my first child was supposed to be born in August, does not make me feel better. Do I really have to tell you how insensitive it is to say that? And I am certain that I will find a whole new set of things to worry about later on. But for now, I am living in this place of intense anxiety, every single minute of every single day. Sometimes I think I am literally going to go crazy.
If you haven't been here, please don't patronize people who have been.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Anxiously waiting...
I am trying to keep my happy ass in bed (or at least relaxing) today, because I WAY overdid it yesterday and the day before. Lots of cramping. I don't have to leave until about 3:00pm today, so today is my day to rest.
I'm bored.
I went in for my third beta a little while ago. The girl who took my blood needs to find a new job. I seriously think she is going to leave scar tissue in my vein. Anyway, I will probably find out the results between 1 and 2pm. At least, that's when I've found out the past 2 times. I will update this post when I get the results.
Here's the thing, though. I'm really nervous about this beta draw. I think it's because my loss date with my first pregnancy is approaching. (It was estimated that I lost the baby at 5 weeks 6 days, which will be this Friday for this pregnancy.) I am really, really, really hoping that they can get me in for an ultrasound at the end of next week, rather than the following week. I don't know if my heart can take any more of this.
Fortunately, this is probably the busiest time of year for me at the dance studio. Yesterday and today were/are picture days for all of the students. Then the final weeks of rehearsals, along with extra rehearsals for certain routines. Not to mention all of the logistical stuff, like writing the announcements, finishing the recital program, organizing the intermission music, selecting scholarship recipients, etc. It really is a great time of year to keep my mind and body busy!
But for now, I am anxiously waiting results...
*Update*
Third beta draw on 25dpIUI = 5,832
That's a doubling time of 57.11 hours. The viability ultrasound is scheduled for next Friday, June 7th.
I'm bored.
I went in for my third beta a little while ago. The girl who took my blood needs to find a new job. I seriously think she is going to leave scar tissue in my vein. Anyway, I will probably find out the results between 1 and 2pm. At least, that's when I've found out the past 2 times. I will update this post when I get the results.
Here's the thing, though. I'm really nervous about this beta draw. I think it's because my loss date with my first pregnancy is approaching. (It was estimated that I lost the baby at 5 weeks 6 days, which will be this Friday for this pregnancy.) I am really, really, really hoping that they can get me in for an ultrasound at the end of next week, rather than the following week. I don't know if my heart can take any more of this.
Fortunately, this is probably the busiest time of year for me at the dance studio. Yesterday and today were/are picture days for all of the students. Then the final weeks of rehearsals, along with extra rehearsals for certain routines. Not to mention all of the logistical stuff, like writing the announcements, finishing the recital program, organizing the intermission music, selecting scholarship recipients, etc. It really is a great time of year to keep my mind and body busy!
But for now, I am anxiously waiting results...
*Update*
Third beta draw on 25dpIUI = 5,832
That's a doubling time of 57.11 hours. The viability ultrasound is scheduled for next Friday, June 7th.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Betas and pee sticks: What a difference 2 days make!
One more quick update today, and then I'm done posting pee sticks. I'm all out anyway. :)
I went for my first beta on Monday, which was 16dpo and 4 weeks 2 days. My HCG level was 394. According to americanpregnancy.org, a "normal" range for 4 weeks is 5-426, so my number is looking pretty darn good.
<-- This is what my pee stick looked like on Monday. Still definitely positive, but it didn't seem to be getting any darker. Of course, my PgAL brain started kicking in. When the nurse called with my beta number, I was somewhat relieved. But I have been panicking a little bit, thinking 'what if my HCG level is on the way down, and that's why the pee sticks aren't getting darker?'
Now, my rational brain knows that an HPT only tests IF someone is pregnant, not HOW pregnant she is. So to speak. But that PgAL brain never wants to quit!
So after I wrote my earlier post about stress and insomnia, I of course had to go pee on another stick. I have another beta draw today and I need to prepare myself mentally if my line is fading. But this is what I got this morning, at 18dpo:
Okay, now we're getting somewhere! Look at that line -->
Woo hoo!
Now the next step will be today's beta draw. I'll be leaving in about 3 hrs and 15 minutes to have that done. FX that those numbers have doubled.
I will update once I have those numbers later today.
Updated to add today's beta = 759.
Yay!
I went for my first beta on Monday, which was 16dpo and 4 weeks 2 days. My HCG level was 394. According to americanpregnancy.org, a "normal" range for 4 weeks is 5-426, so my number is looking pretty darn good.
Now, my rational brain knows that an HPT only tests IF someone is pregnant, not HOW pregnant she is. So to speak. But that PgAL brain never wants to quit!
So after I wrote my earlier post about stress and insomnia, I of course had to go pee on another stick. I have another beta draw today and I need to prepare myself mentally if my line is fading. But this is what I got this morning, at 18dpo:
Okay, now we're getting somewhere! Look at that line -->
Woo hoo!
Now the next step will be today's beta draw. I'll be leaving in about 3 hrs and 15 minutes to have that done. FX that those numbers have doubled.
I will update once I have those numbers later today.
Updated to add today's beta = 759.
Yay!
Thursday, May 16, 2013
PgAL brain
I woke up this morning a little after 4am in a straight up panic. I was having what felt marginally like menstrual cramps. What's the only thing to do when you are pregnant after a loss and in limbo, waiting for your next step in this process? Pee on more sticks, of course! (The pictures are at the bottom. Still looking good.)
I was just thinking to myself last night that I was doing pretty well with this whole pregnant after loss thing. I wasn't having panic attacks like I thought I would. I guess I was wrong. I am just counting down the days until we have an ultrasound appointment... first I just need to know when that will be, haha.
At this point in the process, the pee sticks still reassure me. But once I get past 5 weeks and up until I hear the heartbeat, I know I will be a mess. I had positive HPTs right up until the morning I found out about my missed miscarriage at 9.5 weeks. And my levels were pretty high even then -- 94,000 if I remember correctly. But I had lost the baby at 6 weeks. Since a heartbeat isn't even a sure thing until around week 7, I am having anxiety about the first week of June. Fortunately, it is a really busy time for me at the dance studio -- the last week of classes before the recital, opening number and production rehearsals, last minute recital prep, etc. I will be (somewhat) distracted.
Can't wait for those betas on Monday!
I was just thinking to myself last night that I was doing pretty well with this whole pregnant after loss thing. I wasn't having panic attacks like I thought I would. I guess I was wrong. I am just counting down the days until we have an ultrasound appointment... first I just need to know when that will be, haha.
At this point in the process, the pee sticks still reassure me. But once I get past 5 weeks and up until I hear the heartbeat, I know I will be a mess. I had positive HPTs right up until the morning I found out about my missed miscarriage at 9.5 weeks. And my levels were pretty high even then -- 94,000 if I remember correctly. But I had lost the baby at 6 weeks. Since a heartbeat isn't even a sure thing until around week 7, I am having anxiety about the first week of June. Fortunately, it is a really busy time for me at the dance studio -- the last week of classes before the recital, opening number and production rehearsals, last minute recital prep, etc. I will be (somewhat) distracted.
Can't wait for those betas on Monday!
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