Update & More Crafts

I haven't posted in the past week or so because it has taken me this long to feel well enough to do anything productive, really. After I had surgery last Tuesday (11/19) to place a stent in my ureter, I was in a lot of pain and very sick. I ended up back in the OB triage on Friday (11/22) and found out that I have an infection. Now, 8 days after surgery, I am FINALLY starting to feel like myself again.

Unfortunately, I won't be able to go back to teaching at the dance studio until after the baby is born. I am just having too many contractions to make it safe. My doctor says our goal is to make it to December 20th. Fingers crossed!

So anyway, I've finished 2 more neck warmers:

Cozy Cream

(this one will probably be a Christmas gift)

 

Mountain River

(this one will either be a gift or go into my etsy store) 

Looking at these pictures compared to some of my earlier ones, you can really see how tired I am. And I even put on makeup to try to hide it!

I also worked on some nursery projects. I'll probably be in a good place to put up pictures of the whole nursery next week (as long as my mom gets her projects done), but here's the tree my sister and I put up yesterday. My husband hung the shelves for me. When I was telling him where to put them, I could tell that he was kind of skeptical. But after he was done, he said "wow, that actually looks really nice."

  

25 hours to go...

We're getting so close to tomorrow's ultrasound. Thank goodness, because I don't know how much more of this my heart can take!

Fortunately, today is a really busy day with recital preparation. I have to do some choreographing for our opening number -- we have rehearsal tonight. I'm also working on some last minute costuming and accessorizing. Here's hoping today flies by!

I had a dream last night that I was bleeding. Scary stuff that doesn't help my PgAL brain. Ugh. 

Song of the day. Mostly. :)

 

The countdown continues

...the countdown to our viability ultrasound, that is. 2 days, 22 hours, 6 minutes, 54 seconds, 53, 52, 51...

And yes, I still feel like I am going to lose my mind. I thought I was anxious the first time around, before I found out about my loss. Ha! I had no idea what true anxiety was.

I told my husband last night that I have no idea, absolutely no idea, what I am going to do if this pregnancy is not viable. If we lose another baby. I feel like my heart can't handle that again. He tries to be so practical, and basically told me that I don't have a choice. I know he's coming from a different place. His father was killed in a car accident 4 years ago. He knows better than most how unfair life is. But that outlook is obviously not helping my anxiety.

I am especially worried about the physical and emotional toll of a miscarriage. The dance recital is next weekend, June 14 and 15. I can't take a week off to recover physically and emotionally like I did during my last loss. It is just not possible right now, short of being in the hospital. I just hope I don't have to deal with a loss during what should be the most exciting and happy time of year at the studio. It will absolutely kill me.

 

First pregnancy dream & an update

Although my dreams have definitely been more vivid lately, I hadn't had any pregnancy related dreams. Until last night.

I can't really remember any details of it, other than the fact that at some point in the dream, my husband and I were watching an ultrasound machine and the tech printed us a picture that said girl in big pic letters across the bottom. 

So I had my first dream that this baby is a girl. I'm not quite sure if I believe it yet, though.


The update portion of this post is in regards to the stressful situation that I was dealing with in my workplace. We had a meeting with the studio director, her father (the president and deep pockets behind the operation), myself and 3 other instructors. The four instructors basically told him -- coming from a place of compassion -- that it seemed as though his daughter was really stressed and taking it out on all of us, which was really unprofessional and making it an unfriendly work environment for us. That is actually putting it very mildly, but we couldn't say "your daughter is a raging bitch who throws temper tantrums like a child if people disagree with her or she doesn't get her own way." Which is closer to the truth. Anyway, he was actually very receptive. 

I don't know if she is going to change much. But I feel better now. He told us that if we ever have an issue with her again, we can call him. My husband is still concerned, but the way that I put it to him is even if she doesn't change, I have changed. I am different. I will approach things differently with her now.

Stress, Health, and Insomnia

This is going to be a long vent. And the insomnia part, well... I've been waking up at 3:30am the past few mornings and I have been unable to fall back asleep.

I have been extremely stressed for the past few days, and it has been affecting my health. Over the past few months, I have noticed that my blood pressure has been a little bit high. Not too bad, but since I have had problems in the past and had to be on medication, it's something that I always take note of. When I was at the RE for my initial consultation, my BP was pretty high. It averaged around 160 over 115 in the 3 times that they took it over 1 hour and 45 minutes. So off to my primary care doctor I went. I was put on methyldopa, which is a pregnancy safe anti-hypertensive.

I have a home monitor for my BP, and have been tracking it every few days over the past few weeks. It had been slowly but steadily decreasing, and had finally arrived at a place that was much more healthy. Approx 120 over 85. 

Then Sunday happened. Perhaps someday I will explain all of the details of my relationship with the director of the dance studio (whom I call crazycakes), but today is not the day. I need to stay calm. Suffice it to say, she is a control freak who throws temper tantrums when she doesn't get her own way. And since we have a personal relationship (her sister is my long time best friend), she continually tries to take advantage of me. Well, she threw a temper tantrum at me on Sunday, in front of some of our teenage students and their mothers. I have seen this side of her many times, so it didn't surprise me. But the others were completely floored because they have never seen an adult act that way.

Ok, I have to stop writing about it. I can feel my blood pressure rising.

Deep breath.

Since Sunday, my blood pressure has been running high. And my pulse has also been extremely high. I have an appt with my doctor on Thursday morning and I am going to discuss my stress and how it is affecting my health and potentially the health of my baby. I have a meeting with the director, her father (who is the president of the studio), and two other instructors. She demanded that we have a discussion about Sunday, and I told her that the only way that it was happening was if her father and the 2 instructors were there. Not negotiable, or all three of us were quitting. She would probably lose 2/3 of her business if we left, and she's barely staying afloat as it is. So she listened and complied. 

So I am in this place right now where I am not sure if I can continue doing this. I love what I do. I love my students. But I can't put myself and my baby at risk. I know that this will never stop, because she is never held accountable for her actions. The only possible way to make her change her behavior is for her father to know how she behaves. He holds the purse strings. She has never had a job that he hasn't bought for her. But if he realizes how poorly she is running his business and how she might lose it all, he might actually listen. It's a long shot, but it's the only chance I have to continue doing what I love, but maintaining my health. 

The worst part is that she knows about my miscarriage in January, she knows that I am pregnant again, and she knows that I have been having blood pressure problems. And she considers herself my friend.       

PgAL brain

I woke up this morning a little after 4am in a straight up panic. I was having what felt marginally like menstrual cramps. What's the only thing to do when you are pregnant after a loss and in limbo, waiting for your next step in this process? Pee on more sticks, of course! (The pictures are at the bottom. Still looking good.)

I was just thinking to myself last night that I was doing pretty well with this whole pregnant after loss thing. I wasn't having panic attacks like I thought I would. I guess I was wrong. I am just counting down the days until we have an ultrasound appointment... first I just need to know when that will be, haha. 

At this point in the process, the pee sticks still reassure me. But once I get past 5 weeks and up until I hear the heartbeat, I know I will be a mess. I had positive HPTs right up until the morning I found out about my missed miscarriage at 9.5 weeks. And my levels were pretty high even then -- 94,000 if I remember correctly. But I had lost the baby at 6 weeks. Since a heartbeat isn't even a sure thing until around week 7, I am having anxiety about the first week of June. Fortunately, it is a really busy time for me at the dance studio -- the last week of classes before the recital, opening number and production rehearsals, last minute recital prep, etc. I will be (somewhat) distracted.

Can't wait for those betas on Monday!