I am trying to keep my happy ass in bed (or at least relaxing) today, because I WAY overdid it yesterday and the day before. Lots of cramping. I don't have to leave until about 3:00pm today, so today is my day to rest.
I'm bored.
I went in for my third beta a little while ago. The girl who took my blood needs to find a new job. I seriously think she is going to leave scar tissue in my vein. Anyway, I will probably find out the results between 1 and 2pm. At least, that's when I've found out the past 2 times. I will update this post when I get the results.
Here's the thing, though. I'm really nervous about this beta draw. I think it's because my loss date with my first pregnancy is approaching. (It was estimated that I lost the baby at 5 weeks 6 days, which will be this Friday for this pregnancy.) I am really, really, really hoping that they can get me in for an ultrasound at the end of next week, rather than the following week. I don't know if my heart can take any more of this.
Fortunately, this is probably the busiest time of year for me at the dance studio. Yesterday and today were/are picture days for all of the students. Then the final weeks of rehearsals, along with extra rehearsals for certain routines. Not to mention all of the logistical stuff, like writing the announcements, finishing the recital program, organizing the intermission music, selecting scholarship recipients, etc. It really is a great time of year to keep my mind and body busy!
But for now, I am anxiously waiting results...
*Update*
Third beta draw on 25dpIUI = 5,832
That's a doubling time of 57.11 hours. The viability ultrasound is scheduled for next Friday, June 7th.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Insomnia Induced Bump Confessions
I've been up since 2:30 AM and showed no signs of falling back asleep, so I got up around 3 AM and, of course, started Bumping. I have discovered that insomnia makes me an irritable bitch. Either that, or it's pregnancy irritability. Anyway, I am so annoyed by things I'm seeing on TB, and it's bugging me more than usual. I don't want to start making enemies, but I need to vent about the things that irritate me.
Here is my list of annoyances:
1) I will never, ever believe that a chiropractor solved any problems, cured any diseases. etc. Never.
2) I don't understand the obsession with shows like The Bachelorette or other TV nonsense. In my opinion, those types of shows kill brain cells.
3) I roll my eyes at people who answer questions about twins or talk about their situations like they have twins when it hasn't been confirmed yet. I'm not talking about the people who are wondering if it's possible because of IUI or IVF, but the ones who tell us that they are just waiting for confirmation and have no real basis to believe they might have twins. Yep. Huge eyeroll.
4) There is one person on my BMB whom I do not believe exists as a real person. I have had my suspicions for a few days, but today's posts convince me even more.
5) It doesn't go unnoticed when a bumpie tries to sneak back in a few days after being a royal jerk, pissing off dozens of people, and never apologizing or acknowledging her behavior. I just want to put that out there. Some people might forget, but I haven't.
6) For the love of grammar, pluralized words don't have apostrophes!
Updated because I thought of another one:
7) If you can't think of a witty subject line, putting "Enter witty subject line here" does not make you witty or unique. I've seen two people do variations of that on the Jan 14 BMB, and many more on TTGP. You don't have to be witty, and doing that only proves to me that you are not, in fact, witty. Or creative.
Now that I've gotten all of that off my chest, I might try to sleep for 2 or 3 hours before I have to go for my third (and hopefully final) beta draw.
Here is my list of annoyances:
1) I will never, ever believe that a chiropractor solved any problems, cured any diseases. etc. Never.
2) I don't understand the obsession with shows like The Bachelorette or other TV nonsense. In my opinion, those types of shows kill brain cells.
3) I roll my eyes at people who answer questions about twins or talk about their situations like they have twins when it hasn't been confirmed yet. I'm not talking about the people who are wondering if it's possible because of IUI or IVF, but the ones who tell us that they are just waiting for confirmation and have no real basis to believe they might have twins. Yep. Huge eyeroll.
4) There is one person on my BMB whom I do not believe exists as a real person. I have had my suspicions for a few days, but today's posts convince me even more.
5) It doesn't go unnoticed when a bumpie tries to sneak back in a few days after being a royal jerk, pissing off dozens of people, and never apologizing or acknowledging her behavior. I just want to put that out there. Some people might forget, but I haven't.
6) For the love of grammar, pluralized words don't have apostrophes!
Updated because I thought of another one:
7) If you can't think of a witty subject line, putting "Enter witty subject line here" does not make you witty or unique. I've seen two people do variations of that on the Jan 14 BMB, and many more on TTGP. You don't have to be witty, and doing that only proves to me that you are not, in fact, witty. Or creative.
Now that I've gotten all of that off my chest, I might try to sleep for 2 or 3 hours before I have to go for my third (and hopefully final) beta draw.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
First pregnancy dream & an update
Although my dreams have definitely been more vivid lately, I hadn't had any pregnancy related dreams. Until last night.
I can't really remember any details of it, other than the fact that at some point in the dream, my husband and I were watching an ultrasound machine and the tech printed us a picture that said girl in big pic letters across the bottom.
So I had my first dream that this baby is a girl. I'm not quite sure if I believe it yet, though.
The update portion of this post is in regards to the stressful situation that I was dealing with in my workplace. We had a meeting with the studio director, her father (the president and deep pockets behind the operation), myself and 3 other instructors. The four instructors basically told him -- coming from a place of compassion -- that it seemed as though his daughter was really stressed and taking it out on all of us, which was really unprofessional and making it an unfriendly work environment for us. That is actually putting it very mildly, but we couldn't say "your daughter is a raging bitch who throws temper tantrums like a child if people disagree with her or she doesn't get her own way." Which is closer to the truth. Anyway, he was actually very receptive.
I don't know if she is going to change much. But I feel better now. He told us that if we ever have an issue with her again, we can call him. My husband is still concerned, but the way that I put it to him is even if she doesn't change, I have changed. I am different. I will approach things differently with her now.
I can't really remember any details of it, other than the fact that at some point in the dream, my husband and I were watching an ultrasound machine and the tech printed us a picture that said girl in big pic letters across the bottom.
So I had my first dream that this baby is a girl. I'm not quite sure if I believe it yet, though.
The update portion of this post is in regards to the stressful situation that I was dealing with in my workplace. We had a meeting with the studio director, her father (the president and deep pockets behind the operation), myself and 3 other instructors. The four instructors basically told him -- coming from a place of compassion -- that it seemed as though his daughter was really stressed and taking it out on all of us, which was really unprofessional and making it an unfriendly work environment for us. That is actually putting it very mildly, but we couldn't say "your daughter is a raging bitch who throws temper tantrums like a child if people disagree with her or she doesn't get her own way." Which is closer to the truth. Anyway, he was actually very receptive.
I don't know if she is going to change much. But I feel better now. He told us that if we ever have an issue with her again, we can call him. My husband is still concerned, but the way that I put it to him is even if she doesn't change, I have changed. I am different. I will approach things differently with her now.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
5 weeks!
Still here. So far, so good! I am approaching the day when the baby stopped growing in my first pregnancy, approx. 5w 6 d -- even though we didn't find out until 9.5 weeks. I'm looking forward to getting past that day and then moving on to the ultrasound the following week.
How far along? 5 weeks
How big is baby? Appleseed
Total weight gain/loss: 135, down 4 lbs
Maternity clothes? Nope.
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep? Insomnia has definitely set in.
Pregnancy dreams? Still having vivid dreams, but none of them have been pregnancy-related yet.
Best moment this week? Second betas on Wednesday. Nearly doubled in 48 hours.
Miss anything? Wine, definitely wine.
Movement? Not yet.
Food cravings? Nothing yet.
Anything making you queasy or sick? Driving still makes me a bit queasy. If I eat too much, I get a little queasy too.
Team Green/Finding Out? Finding out!
Labor signs: Hopefully not for another 35 weeks or so.
Symptoms:Loss of appetite, insomnia, gas.
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or moody most of the time? Both. But mostly happy.
Any milestones this week? Not that I can think of.
Looking forward to: Betas next Wednesday and scheduling our ultrasound.
Right now, I am still waiting to hit bottom for weight before I swing back up. Here's my 5 week pic:
How far along? 5 weeks
How big is baby? Appleseed
Total weight gain/loss: 135, down 4 lbs
Maternity clothes? Nope.
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep? Insomnia has definitely set in.
Pregnancy dreams? Still having vivid dreams, but none of them have been pregnancy-related yet.
Best moment this week? Second betas on Wednesday. Nearly doubled in 48 hours.
Miss anything? Wine, definitely wine.
Movement? Not yet.
Food cravings? Nothing yet.
Anything making you queasy or sick? Driving still makes me a bit queasy. If I eat too much, I get a little queasy too.
Team Green/Finding Out? Finding out!
Labor signs: Hopefully not for another 35 weeks or so.
Symptoms:Loss of appetite, insomnia, gas.
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or moody most of the time? Both. But mostly happy.
Any milestones this week? Not that I can think of.
Looking forward to: Betas next Wednesday and scheduling our ultrasound.
Right now, I am still waiting to hit bottom for weight before I swing back up. Here's my 5 week pic:
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Betas and pee sticks: What a difference 2 days make!
One more quick update today, and then I'm done posting pee sticks. I'm all out anyway. :)
I went for my first beta on Monday, which was 16dpo and 4 weeks 2 days. My HCG level was 394. According to americanpregnancy.org, a "normal" range for 4 weeks is 5-426, so my number is looking pretty darn good.
<-- This is what my pee stick looked like on Monday. Still definitely positive, but it didn't seem to be getting any darker. Of course, my PgAL brain started kicking in. When the nurse called with my beta number, I was somewhat relieved. But I have been panicking a little bit, thinking 'what if my HCG level is on the way down, and that's why the pee sticks aren't getting darker?'
Now, my rational brain knows that an HPT only tests IF someone is pregnant, not HOW pregnant she is. So to speak. But that PgAL brain never wants to quit!
So after I wrote my earlier post about stress and insomnia, I of course had to go pee on another stick. I have another beta draw today and I need to prepare myself mentally if my line is fading. But this is what I got this morning, at 18dpo:
Okay, now we're getting somewhere! Look at that line -->
Woo hoo!
Now the next step will be today's beta draw. I'll be leaving in about 3 hrs and 15 minutes to have that done. FX that those numbers have doubled.
I will update once I have those numbers later today.
Updated to add today's beta = 759.
Yay!
I went for my first beta on Monday, which was 16dpo and 4 weeks 2 days. My HCG level was 394. According to americanpregnancy.org, a "normal" range for 4 weeks is 5-426, so my number is looking pretty darn good.
Now, my rational brain knows that an HPT only tests IF someone is pregnant, not HOW pregnant she is. So to speak. But that PgAL brain never wants to quit!
So after I wrote my earlier post about stress and insomnia, I of course had to go pee on another stick. I have another beta draw today and I need to prepare myself mentally if my line is fading. But this is what I got this morning, at 18dpo:
Okay, now we're getting somewhere! Look at that line -->
Woo hoo!
Now the next step will be today's beta draw. I'll be leaving in about 3 hrs and 15 minutes to have that done. FX that those numbers have doubled.
I will update once I have those numbers later today.
Updated to add today's beta = 759.
Yay!
Stress, Health, and Insomnia
This is going to be a long vent. And the insomnia part, well... I've been waking up at 3:30am the past few mornings and I have been unable to fall back asleep.
I have been extremely stressed for the past few days, and it has been affecting my health. Over the past few months, I have noticed that my blood pressure has been a little bit high. Not too bad, but since I have had problems in the past and had to be on medication, it's something that I always take note of. When I was at the RE for my initial consultation, my BP was pretty high. It averaged around 160 over 115 in the 3 times that they took it over 1 hour and 45 minutes. So off to my primary care doctor I went. I was put on methyldopa, which is a pregnancy safe anti-hypertensive.
I have a home monitor for my BP, and have been tracking it every few days over the past few weeks. It had been slowly but steadily decreasing, and had finally arrived at a place that was much more healthy. Approx 120 over 85.
Then Sunday happened. Perhaps someday I will explain all of the details of my relationship with the director of the dance studio (whom I call crazycakes), but today is not the day. I need to stay calm. Suffice it to say, she is a control freak who throws temper tantrums when she doesn't get her own way. And since we have a personal relationship (her sister is my long time best friend), she continually tries to take advantage of me. Well, she threw a temper tantrum at me on Sunday, in front of some of our teenage students and their mothers. I have seen this side of her many times, so it didn't surprise me. But the others were completely floored because they have never seen an adult act that way.
Ok, I have to stop writing about it. I can feel my blood pressure rising.
Deep breath.
Since Sunday, my blood pressure has been running high. And my pulse has also been extremely high. I have an appt with my doctor on Thursday morning and I am going to discuss my stress and how it is affecting my health and potentially the health of my baby. I have a meeting with the director, her father (who is the president of the studio), and two other instructors. She demanded that we have a discussion about Sunday, and I told her that the only way that it was happening was if her father and the 2 instructors were there. Not negotiable, or all three of us were quitting. She would probably lose 2/3 of her business if we left, and she's barely staying afloat as it is. So she listened and complied.
So I am in this place right now where I am not sure if I can continue doing this. I love what I do. I love my students. But I can't put myself and my baby at risk. I know that this will never stop, because she is never held accountable for her actions. The only possible way to make her change her behavior is for her father to know how she behaves. He holds the purse strings. She has never had a job that he hasn't bought for her. But if he realizes how poorly she is running his business and how she might lose it all, he might actually listen. It's a long shot, but it's the only chance I have to continue doing what I love, but maintaining my health.
The worst part is that she knows about my miscarriage in January, she knows that I am pregnant again, and she knows that I have been having blood pressure problems. And she considers herself my friend.
I have been extremely stressed for the past few days, and it has been affecting my health. Over the past few months, I have noticed that my blood pressure has been a little bit high. Not too bad, but since I have had problems in the past and had to be on medication, it's something that I always take note of. When I was at the RE for my initial consultation, my BP was pretty high. It averaged around 160 over 115 in the 3 times that they took it over 1 hour and 45 minutes. So off to my primary care doctor I went. I was put on methyldopa, which is a pregnancy safe anti-hypertensive.
I have a home monitor for my BP, and have been tracking it every few days over the past few weeks. It had been slowly but steadily decreasing, and had finally arrived at a place that was much more healthy. Approx 120 over 85.
Then Sunday happened. Perhaps someday I will explain all of the details of my relationship with the director of the dance studio (whom I call crazycakes), but today is not the day. I need to stay calm. Suffice it to say, she is a control freak who throws temper tantrums when she doesn't get her own way. And since we have a personal relationship (her sister is my long time best friend), she continually tries to take advantage of me. Well, she threw a temper tantrum at me on Sunday, in front of some of our teenage students and their mothers. I have seen this side of her many times, so it didn't surprise me. But the others were completely floored because they have never seen an adult act that way.
Ok, I have to stop writing about it. I can feel my blood pressure rising.
Deep breath.
Since Sunday, my blood pressure has been running high. And my pulse has also been extremely high. I have an appt with my doctor on Thursday morning and I am going to discuss my stress and how it is affecting my health and potentially the health of my baby. I have a meeting with the director, her father (who is the president of the studio), and two other instructors. She demanded that we have a discussion about Sunday, and I told her that the only way that it was happening was if her father and the 2 instructors were there. Not negotiable, or all three of us were quitting. She would probably lose 2/3 of her business if we left, and she's barely staying afloat as it is. So she listened and complied.
So I am in this place right now where I am not sure if I can continue doing this. I love what I do. I love my students. But I can't put myself and my baby at risk. I know that this will never stop, because she is never held accountable for her actions. The only possible way to make her change her behavior is for her father to know how she behaves. He holds the purse strings. She has never had a job that he hasn't bought for her. But if he realizes how poorly she is running his business and how she might lose it all, he might actually listen. It's a long shot, but it's the only chance I have to continue doing what I love, but maintaining my health.
The worst part is that she knows about my miscarriage in January, she knows that I am pregnant again, and she knows that I have been having blood pressure problems. And she considers herself my friend.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
4 weeks!
I am a day late, but yesterday was crazy! I didn't do this last time. Something just felt off from the beginning. I feel much more confident about this pregnancy. So here goes...
How far along? 4 weeks (and 1 day)
How big is baby? Still just a poppyseed
Total weight gain/loss: Started at 139, lost 2.5 lbs since I found out.
Maternity clothes? Nope.
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep? I have no trouble falling asleep, I just wake up really early. I have had to take a few cat naps in the afternoon.
Pregnancy dreams? I have been having some vivid dreams, but none of them have been pregnancy-related yet.
Best moment this week? BFP on Tuesday.
Miss anything? I kind of wish I could have had some wine last night. But it wasn't that big of a deal.
Movement? Not yet.
Food cravings? Nothing yet.
Anything making you queasy or sick? Driving gives me a little bit of nausea. Also, I tend to have a nervous stomach. When my dance students have been performing this weekend at a competition, every time I'm backstage with them, my nervous stomach feels quadrupled.
Team Green/Finding Out? Finding out!
Labor signs: Hopefully not for another 35 weeks or so.
Symptoms: Pelvic pressure, cramping, slight bloating. Vivid dreams. Slight nausea.
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or moody most of the time? Both. But mostly happy.
Any milestones this week? A BFP is a milestone, IMO. :)
Looking forward to: Betas tomorrow and finding out when our first ultrasound will be.
Edited to add my 4 week "Before" pic. (Sorry it's blurry!)
How far along? 4 weeks (and 1 day)
How big is baby? Still just a poppyseed
Total weight gain/loss: Started at 139, lost 2.5 lbs since I found out.
Maternity clothes? Nope.
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep? I have no trouble falling asleep, I just wake up really early. I have had to take a few cat naps in the afternoon.
Pregnancy dreams? I have been having some vivid dreams, but none of them have been pregnancy-related yet.
Best moment this week? BFP on Tuesday.
Miss anything? I kind of wish I could have had some wine last night. But it wasn't that big of a deal.
Movement? Not yet.
Food cravings? Nothing yet.
Anything making you queasy or sick? Driving gives me a little bit of nausea. Also, I tend to have a nervous stomach. When my dance students have been performing this weekend at a competition, every time I'm backstage with them, my nervous stomach feels quadrupled.
Team Green/Finding Out? Finding out!
Labor signs: Hopefully not for another 35 weeks or so.
Symptoms: Pelvic pressure, cramping, slight bloating. Vivid dreams. Slight nausea.
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or moody most of the time? Both. But mostly happy.
Any milestones this week? A BFP is a milestone, IMO. :)
Looking forward to: Betas tomorrow and finding out when our first ultrasound will be.
Edited to add my 4 week "Before" pic. (Sorry it's blurry!)
Thursday, May 16, 2013
PgAL brain
I woke up this morning a little after 4am in a straight up panic. I was having what felt marginally like menstrual cramps. What's the only thing to do when you are pregnant after a loss and in limbo, waiting for your next step in this process? Pee on more sticks, of course! (The pictures are at the bottom. Still looking good.)
I was just thinking to myself last night that I was doing pretty well with this whole pregnant after loss thing. I wasn't having panic attacks like I thought I would. I guess I was wrong. I am just counting down the days until we have an ultrasound appointment... first I just need to know when that will be, haha.
At this point in the process, the pee sticks still reassure me. But once I get past 5 weeks and up until I hear the heartbeat, I know I will be a mess. I had positive HPTs right up until the morning I found out about my missed miscarriage at 9.5 weeks. And my levels were pretty high even then -- 94,000 if I remember correctly. But I had lost the baby at 6 weeks. Since a heartbeat isn't even a sure thing until around week 7, I am having anxiety about the first week of June. Fortunately, it is a really busy time for me at the dance studio -- the last week of classes before the recital, opening number and production rehearsals, last minute recital prep, etc. I will be (somewhat) distracted.
Can't wait for those betas on Monday!
I was just thinking to myself last night that I was doing pretty well with this whole pregnant after loss thing. I wasn't having panic attacks like I thought I would. I guess I was wrong. I am just counting down the days until we have an ultrasound appointment... first I just need to know when that will be, haha.
At this point in the process, the pee sticks still reassure me. But once I get past 5 weeks and up until I hear the heartbeat, I know I will be a mess. I had positive HPTs right up until the morning I found out about my missed miscarriage at 9.5 weeks. And my levels were pretty high even then -- 94,000 if I remember correctly. But I had lost the baby at 6 weeks. Since a heartbeat isn't even a sure thing until around week 7, I am having anxiety about the first week of June. Fortunately, it is a really busy time for me at the dance studio -- the last week of classes before the recital, opening number and production rehearsals, last minute recital prep, etc. I will be (somewhat) distracted.
Can't wait for those betas on Monday!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Here is my story, thus far.
Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage discovered at 9.5 weeks (the loss occurred at approximately 6 weeks). I decided to take Cytotec to induce the physical miscarriage. That was probably one of the most traumatic times of my life, both physically and emotionally.
Two complete cycles after the loss, we had an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. The RE suspects that my husband has some MFI issues. His count is fine (more than fine), but he has had some high white blood cell counts when he has had semen analyses.
It happened to be CD4 when we saw the RE, so we made a plan and put it immediately into action. 50mg of Clomid, Ovidrel trigger shot, and IUI. I had my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork immediately and started Clomid the next day. My HSG was two days later. Unlike a lot of people, my HSG was virtually painless and extremely quick. My tubes were clear and my uterus is perfectly sized and shaped. Woo hoo!
My mid-cycle ultrasound on CD 12 showed 3 decent follicles on my left ovary (17mm, 16mm, 15mm). I triggered the following day and did the IUI on CD15. My husband's count was 116.5 million post-wash with 81% motility. (His numbers are clearly still not an issue!)
The day of the IUI, I had what I have come to suspect were ovulation cramps. Holy cow, they were AWFUL! But I just rested for a few hours and then was fine.
Because I am anal retentive and obsessive, I decided to test out my trigger. I planned to test it out until 10dpIUI/12dpt, and then test again on 13dpIUI. The trigger was gone by 9dpt. The lines on 10dpt and 11dpt are evap lines, no color. I assumed 12dpt would be stark white. But I got a little bit of a surprise:
The line was darker and definitely pink. Whoa! I flipped out a bit and thought I could be making it up in my head. But after some rational thinking, I realized that I was in fact pregnant. Again.
So I planned on testing the following day with a digi and FRER, but then of course decided that I couldn't wait. So here's my digi with 2MU and FRER with 3MU:
Here's another thing that I should say. The last time that I was pregnant, this is what my FRER looked like on 12dpo (two days later than this time around, and with FMU instead of 3MU):
So, needless to say, I am super happy about how dark and clear my line was yesterday. I have also noticed that the cramping and pressure is much more significant this time. I noticed it last time because it was different than my normal PMS cramping. This time, it's definitely stronger. Which brings me to my final two points...
First, we are wondering if this might end up being a multiple pregnancy. My age, follies, and his good sperm count have us wondering. We have mixed feelings about this. If we had twins, that would be perfect because it would mean that we would never have to go through this again. We would be happy with two. But if it's more, obviously that's going to be a tough road ahead. But that's putting the cart before the horse, clearly.
Second, we find ourselves in this place of emotional detachment, because of our recent loss. I am praying that this is it for us, for real this time.
Betas are on Monday, May 20th. Fingers crossed that our numbers are good!
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