Baby A has a heartbeat in the 150s and was measuring a little small. Baby B is uncertain. I don't really trust the abilities of the doctor who did the ultrasound. The machine was new and she really struggled with it. So I will wait for my follow up ultrasound in 7-10 days to see what happens for Baby B. I'm going to stay positive, but realistic. Baby B probably has a 50/50 chance.
Ok. So either I've lost my damn mind, or I'm getting signs that everything is going to be ok in 11 hours. (But who's counting?) My pregnancy symptoms have been pretty mild the past few days, after a weekend of being extremely nauseous among other things. My lack of symptoms has been messing with my head. But for some reason my symptoms decided to return today. I had some serious pelvic pressure and bloat. I felt fatigued -- took one nap and was really wishing I could take another -- and then my boobs started hurting really bad again. I seriously hope that's the baby telling me, I'm still here. Everything is going to be ok. Then, during my drive to the dance studio, I heard "She's Crafty" by the Beastie Boys on the radio. That's not a song you hear too often on the radio, am I right? And what's the significance? Well, I have had a plan for about a year to announce a pregnancy to the world. It included tap dancing to the hook and chorus of "She's Crafty" while wearing a t-shirt that says, "I'm so crafty, I make people." It combines everything I love in life -- dancing, crafting, creativity, and making videos for YouTube. What can I say, I have a flair for the dramatic! Perhaps another sign that everything is going to be ok? I sure hope so. So the song of the evening, ladies and..... more ladies....
We're getting so close to tomorrow's ultrasound.Thank goodness, because I don't know how much more of this my heart can take!
Fortunately, today is a really busy day with recital preparation. I have to do some choreographing for our opening number -- we have rehearsal tonight. I'm also working on some last minute costuming and accessorizing. Here's hoping today flies by!
I had a dream last night that I was bleeding. Scary stuff that doesn't help my PgAL brain. Ugh.
...the countdown to our viability ultrasound, that is. 2 days, 22 hours, 6 minutes, 54 seconds, 53, 52, 51...
And yes, I still feel like I am going to lose my mind. I thought I was anxious the first time around, before I found out about my loss. Ha! I had no idea what true anxiety was.
I told my husband last night that I have no idea, absolutely no idea, what I am going to do if this pregnancy is not viable. If we lose another baby. I feel like my heart can't handle that again. He tries to be so practical, and basically told me that I don't have a choice. I know he's coming from a different place. His father was killed in a car accident 4 years ago. He knows better than most how unfair life is. But that outlook is obviously not helping my anxiety.
I am especially worried about the physical and emotional toll of a miscarriage. The dance recital is next weekend, June 14 and 15. I can't take a week off to recover physically and emotionally like I did during my last loss. It is just not possible right now, short of being in the hospital. I just hope I don't have to deal with a loss during what should be the most exciting and happy time of year at the studio. It will absolutely kill me.
I have finally decided to talk about my mother-in-law's reaction to the the news that I am pregnant again. I need to give it some thought.
My mother-in-law is notoriously selfish and needy. She has been that way ever since her husband was killed in a car accident four years ago. I won't go into details, but in short, she says horrible things all of the time. My husband used to defend her, but now he gets on her case about her poor attitude. She has allowed her grief to take over her life and she tries to bring everyone down with her.
She knows about our loss, FYI. So here's how the conversation went when we told her about this pregnancy...
Husband: So, how do you feel about being a grandma again?
MIL: What, are you guys adopting or something?
Awkward silence for 3-4 seconds.
Me: Uhhh....no..... I'm pregnant again.
MIL: Oh, ok. (Pause) Congratulations. (Another awkward silence.) Well, I better get going now.
Nice, MIL, real nice. I'm still processing how I feel about her reaction.
Warning: parts of this blog post are graphic. You might want to skip the paragraph that begins, "while I am absolutely sure..." I have to write about PgAL anxiety. Because I have been feeling it very strongly over the past 4 to 5 days, and I know it's only going to get worse leading up to the moment when we (hopefully) hear/see the heartbeat on Friday.
There have been three people over the past 10 days who I have found to be very condescending about what it feels like to be pregnant after a loss. (My mother, a friend of nearly 30 years, and my primary care doctor.) All three of them have at least one child, but have never suffered a loss. When I have tried to talk to them about how anxious I am right now, they have said something similar to "wait until you have the baby, you never stop worrying."
While I am absolutely sure that is true, it is such a patronizing comment. Especially coming from people who have never experienced a loss. Never been sitting in doctor's offices while nurses and techs search and search for a heartbeat, and then tell you that your dates might be off, you might not be far along as you think you are -- which by the way, is physically impossible unless you can get a positive pregnancy test a week BEFORE you are pregnant. Never had to argue with them and pull out your ovulation calendar and point out when you went into their office to have the pregnancy confirmed. Never had a doctor give your husband false hope that it might turn out ok, when you absolutely know for certain that it's not ok. And then wait two agonizing days, knowing that your baby is no longer alive inside of you, just to prove to him and to the doctors that you are not wrong about your dates. They have never had to shove pills up their vaginas to cause the physical part of the miscarriage. They have never caught a gestational sac and tiny baby in their hands as they miscarry. And then have to go through the agonizing decision of what to do with what you've just caught. How can you possibly flush it down the toilet?
They might have had normal worries related to pregnancy, childbirth, parenting, ones that I am sure I will have. Will my baby be healthy? Happy? Etc. But they were never stripped of the joy of the first weeks of pregnancy, unable to be happy or celebrate until they hear that heartbeat. Feeling emotionally detached for 3.5 weeks after finding out that they were pregnant.
Normal feelings of worry are not the same as PgAL anxiety.
I know that I do not know yet what it feels like to actually have a child. But to say that to me, knowing that my first child was supposed to be born in August, does not make me feel better. Do I really have to tell you how insensitive it is to say that? And I am certain that I will find a whole new set of things to worry about later on. But for now, I am living in this place of intense anxiety, every single minute of every single day. Sometimes I think I am literally going to go crazy. If you haven't been here, please don't patronize people who have been.
Well, I've made it (FX) past my loss day. Of course we won't know for sure until the ultrasound. This week is going to be torture for me. How far along? 6 weeks How big is baby? Sweet pea Total weight gain/loss: 137 lbs (up 2 from last week, down 2 overall) Maternity clothes? No Stretch marks? No Sleep? Still battling insomnia Pregnancy dreams? Crazy dreams this week, including the first pregnancy related one. (I dreamt the baby was a girl.) Best moment this week? Third beta draw on Wednesday. I was a mess leading up to that phone call. Miss anything? Still wine. Movement? Not yet. Food cravings? All I have wanted all week long is red meat. Anything making you queasy or sick? I think my PNV is making me queasy. I had the dry heaves last Monday and today. Team Green/Finding Out? Finding out! Labor signs: Not for a while, hopefully. Symptoms: Increased appetite, insomnia, crazy dreams, bloat/cramping at night, very sore boobs, mild nausea, fatigue. *Update* : Later in the day, I noticed that my boobs had grown these very *ahem* lovely veins. And the nausea amped up a bit. It actually kept me up in the middle of the night. Belly button in or out? In Wedding rings on or off? On Happy or moody most of the time? I'm going to say that I am a nervous wreck until next week. That's all I can feel. Any milestones this week? I am hoping that we have achieved a beating heart by now or within the next few days. Looking forward to: Viability ultrasound on Friday June 7th. Please let there be a heartbeat! Here's my 6 week pic with a little bloat, since I took it at 3pm today. (Don't mind the messy hair, I just got back from teaching at the dance studio.)
